The world is so much different than I thought it would be. So much has changed in my life- my home, my family, my priorities- and looking back on these blog posts, I feel silly remembering writing these and how strongly I believed in the things I wrote. My passion was so much greater, my sense of love purer, and my hands cleaner.
I always thought I would go to college for writing, get married, have kids, and that would be it. None of those things have happened for me. I never went to college, I decided to focus on baking. It's something I really love, and enjoy to this day. But I never did make it to college like I thought. I moved to Ohio, actually. I lived with my best friend for a year, then a second one by myself. I moved back home where I belonged and have moved about 3 times since then, always a new adventure and way of life just around the corner. I thought that by the time I turned 24, my life would be perfect. I'd have a perfect little house in the country, a perfect husband, perfect kids, and a perfect life. But now I'm laying here on a wintery January afternoon, I'm by myself, just me and the ticking clock, and nothing is what I thought it was.
I have...a good life. One that I often take for granted. I live in a cute little apartment in Holland. I am not a baker OR a writer- I haven't written a story in years. I've been writing mostly poetry lately. I work third shift doing something I'm not passionate about. So my day is Topsy turvy. I wake up at night and go to work, I scan inventory and measure parts that we make, then I come home to an empty house only to go to bed and do it all over.
But I'm okay. I have my routine- on Fridays, I go right from work to the gas station, and from there to the store before heading home. I eat in the same spot every day (not at a dining room table, but on the floor sitting at my coffee table with my phone propped up on a cup of pens and pencils so I can watch something while I eat) I take showers and go to church, I spend weekends with my friend and her kids, and make every effort to see my baby nephew at least twice a week.
I thought that when I grew up, I wouldn't have to worry about life anymore. I was wrong. I still do, but now it's about different things. I worry about saving money on fruit and paying rent every month. I worry about car problems and what I'm going to make for dinner.
I used to strive just to feel a little normalcy, but honestly, now that I have a normal life where I work, sleep, eat, and go out with friends, I've found that desired normalcy to be wearing. I used to find every day to be an opportunity, now I wake up to the same grim surprise every night.
I guess I'm saying that... life has a way of throwing you for a loop. God likes to forget my expectations and find a better way even if at the time it feels like the opposite.
I have started a growing collection of regrets over the last 9 years. Some I've managed to patch up, others not so much. Ihave a whole load of beautiful new memories to add to my treasury. I'm in a different place and I do different things, but in many ways, I'm the same little girl I was so long ago who asked her mom if she could start a blog.
Life changed so much since that little girl with aspirations of perfection was still on the surface of my consciousness. But I'm okay with that. Life is a series of changes, and all just around the corner. Enjoy living in the moment. The past is over, and the future is in many ways irrelevant. Focus on the present, it's okay to find things that make you feel alive. Apologize where it is due, never burn a bridge, and embrace as many people as you can.
Find ways to be content with where you are in life, even if you do it by baking a chocolate cake so you can eat it all yourself. And in another decade, maybe you'll be sitting down to your own little routine, and you will wonder where all the time went. In other words, "life is short, eat the cake".
