I'm not sure why I'm writing this here. I'm almost certain no one reads this blog, it's just another ghost wandering through the miles of words on a computer screen.
I'm not doing very well. I can feel myself getting worse, and to be honest, a lot of the time, I wish it was over. I can't fathom having to continue this, and I just want to be done with the work and the frustration, and the echos of sin that I can never quite seem to outrun.
But mostly, I'm just lonely. Alone, rather. Not to say I don't have friends, I do. I don't have swarms of people flooding around me, but I have a few close friends. But being the age I am now, I see those friends and my siblings falling in love, they get married and have kids, and I'm still stuck in the same place I was 5 years ago: single, living alone, trying to find a reason to keep going. All this has prompted me to start thinking about WHY I am so lonely. Why do we crave the company of others so deeply? What is it about closeness with someone else that draws our hearts in?
I think that firstly, it's because we weren't made to be alone. I'm a born again Christian, so I believe that man was not meant to be alone. I think that inside us-in our souls, written in the very DNA that builds us as humans-there is a deep desire for togetherness.
I read a myth once that said soulmates were originally fused together. They had four arms, four eyes, four legs, and the list goes on. They angered a deity who split them in half, dooming mankind to forever be searching for their other half.
I'm not sure if I believe in soulmates, but I do believe that there is someone who completes us. I think that if we search hard enough, we can find that person who is so suited to us, that we supply all their needs, and they fill the holes left behind from heartbreak and history.
That myth is just a story. But a large part of me hopes that somewhere there is a man who was made perfectly just for me. He likes mushrooms and eats them for me when we go out, and I know how to put a smile on his face after a long day. We tell each other funny stories from when we were kids, and cry over the pain we went through waiting to find one another.
I want to find someone so badly. Some days I feel like he's just around the corner, and if I wait just a bit longer, there he will be. Other days I think I'll have to figure out how to continue this cycle of wake, work, sleep until the end comes.
I'm sorry to those reading this, I guess I've got the winter blues. I'm sure it will pass. Tomorrow I'll wake up, and I'll get dressed and go to church, and try to think of better things. I might shed some tears, or perhaps I'll be lucky, and forget for a time how lonely I really am.
