Monday, February 2, 2015

Lonely Again

Hey, guys <3

So, be ready for me to just dump all my feelings on everyone. Here goes.

I am lonely. I am always lonely, but sometimes like last night, and Saturday night, it's really bad and I curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. I have a roommate, but she never hears me because I don't let her. I smother my tears and sobs in my pillow-poor thing-and I hardly ever tell anyone because why should they care? I am telling all of you because I don't know that any of my friends look here, and I would rather tell you all who I may never meet than face the embarrassment looking someone in the eye knowing they know my deepest fears.
So, like I said-last night was really bad. People tell me to turn to God. I am a christian. I do turn to God. I beg him and beg him to take the pain of loneliness away, but more often than not, the answer is no, and I have to find a way to cope. It hurts. Physically and emotionally. My chest hurts so much, and I want to scream, but screaming would tell my roommate that I am hurting. I wonder sometimes if I am mentally insane. Should I tell someone?
Maybe I need help.
Maybe they don't care.
Maybe I don't need help.
I'm not depressed. I have never considered suicide that I remember. I am lonely. Last night, I cried so hard and so quietly that I couldn't breath right. I wrote lonely on a paper almost 100 times until it had almost lost its meaning.
I found a quiz this morning to find out if I am lonely, and I scored a 38 out of 30. According to Psych Central, I suffer from Extreme Loneliness. It really has not lightened my mood knowing this, but I guess at the same time, it makes me feel better because I know that I am not the only one who feels like this.
Maybe there are others.
Maybe someone understands me.

So, I feel really really lonely, and I talked to one of my close friends last night (D) and he made me feel a lot better. It really helps knowing that someone cares.
I am not writing this as a pity play. I don't want pity. I am writing this so that those of you who are lonely know that you are not alone, and so that those of you who have a lonely friend know what it feels like. It's unlike anything else. It's not like a skinned knee, or a cut, it's more like a bullet hole in your chest. This is what I imagine being shot feels like. I think sometimes that maybe this is all a dream-I hope it's all a nightmare, but then suddenly I know I'm not sleeping.
This is all real. I've heard that a certain amount of loneliness is a normal part of most people's lives. But when your feelings of loneliness can become a bit overwhelming or more serious than usual -- like now -- it may be a sign that something isn't quite balanced in your life. You may find that you could benefit by trying to reach out to others in your life -- right now. A close friend or family member whom you trust and talk to can go a long way in helping to relieve feelings of loneliness in many people.
Some days I barely hold on. I want to let go.

Like I said, I don't want anyone's pity. I just want all of you lonely people out there to talk. Because even though you are embarrassed to talk to someone-for anyone to know, it is vital. Talk to anyone. Talk to me. Because we are stronger together than we could ever be apart. So reach out to me because this is me reaching out to you. Me: lonely, flawed, unhappy, me. Marisa.
I know there are nights when you feel like there's nothing left to live for, but I need you, and I think you need me. So if you are wondering what there is left to live for, there's me. I need each and everyone of you. If I didn't see those view numbers jumping every day, I would be all the more lonely.

I hope that all of you know that you are not alone. Trust me, I know how you feel. No one who has not gone through extreme loneliness would know what it feels like, so you read what I just wrote, what I just put up above and ask yourself if you think I really know what you are going through.

I love each of you so so so much.

Please, email, chat, comment.

Blessings <3